A Call To Self.
My friend thinks I’m a serious babe. It makes me pause every time, I even cringe a little sometimes. Which then makes me re-pause to wonder why this statement is worthy of any reaction other than acknowledgement at most. I strive to be a disciplined woman. My brand is that I am ambitious and diligent, with integrity. So why am I perturbed that people are seeing what I am.
I guess it’s because I also want to be seen as all the other parts as well. I am a passionate woman with many sides and when people see only one side of me, I wonder about which they see and why. I tilt my head to one side of my body, purse my lips and run their observations over in my head. I roll my tongue around in my mouth and attempt to see what these statements taste like. Do I like it? Is it bitter, sweet or bitter-sweet? Do I even want to be seen wholly. I’m an introvert and so by default my privacy and self-protection can be translated into being a mysterious babe.
As I write this, the hosts of my favorite podcast, Jola & Fk of ISWIS (I Said What I Said), comes to mind. These women are hilarious, extroverted, opinionated women who constantly project these personalities. But I hear them all the time say people expect them to project this personality round the clock. They say yes, this is their predominant personality but this isn't all they are, they too have many other sides that people do not see. They say they are adult women and have businesses and jobs and so they don’t sit around and joke every bloody time in real life; if you live in Naija then I don’t know how one can even expect a person in the trenches to be joking around all the time.
Anyway, now I’m back to trying to figure out why the statement “you are such a serious babe” pulls me into an introspective trance all the time. Maybe it is the desire to be fully seen as everything that I am. Maybe it is because I never want to be put into a box. But then again, it is unrealistic to expect everybody to see every facet of you. Some people will only see one part, others will see multiple parts, only your person will see the whole picture. Perhaps I was subconsciously on the path to contorting myself into a caricature version of who I think I should be perceived as, but that mission has been aborted and thrown over board. I am the captain of my life. I have personality and I have all these other parts of me that make up the whole picture, and truthfully we all have different interactions with different people.
I am many things; I am a Jesus baby, a baby girl for life, an enjoyment minister, a serious babe, an ambitious woman (Nyero for president level of ambition), an academician, a funny queen, and many other things that I am even yet to discover about myself. People seeing only certain parts of me does not negate the other parts,infact it means I am personifying my core authentically. When I started writing this, I did not intend for it to turn into a mini self-affirmation/personal discovery essay, much less even publish this vulnerable rant on the internet for the general public. But here I am, the pads of my fingers flying over my keyboard as I write this piece from deep within.
As a recovering people pleaser who is very very close to achieving the level of nonchalance that I desire, I consider this public, mildly embarrassing essay to be a call to fellow recovering people pleasers. You are neither good or bad, you are just you and that is okay. You do not need to question yourself everytime someone mentions a side of you that conventionally doesn’t tally with societal standards. You cannot please everyone, infact you were not built to please everyone. People have different taste buds and you might not be their flavor. Sometimes you might be sugar but taste like atarado on someone’s tongue, that’s okay. We cannot all be same flavor, look at your blend of personality as maintaining the balance of spice necessary in today’s world. Pleasing everyone is not your business, Jesus came to this world and many people still were not impressed.
This is a call to myself to continue to show up intuitively in whatever form feels authentic to me. If that means someone is going to see all of me and sum it all up to one part of me, that’s on them not me. All I know is that I am many parts and I am embodying all of it. I hope you embody yours, effortlessly too.
Love & Light, xoxo.
