All The Feels…………….

It’s 5:44am and I’m listening to Benson Boone’s beautiful things with this slight smile that’s always elicited by this song. It makes me think about creatives and the process of creating a body of work. I think about how most of our innate talent is given to us by God. The process of writing a song deems complex to me. How should one know the words to bring to life? How do you know which words to rhyme and which tune is best to carry the sound? But artists know. Songwriters know. It’s like there’s a melody in their head, a gift from their inner self. It’s just like writing. Sometimes the words just come to me and it’s such a burden that must be released onto the pages of my screen. How is this not a gift from God? My mind cannot conceive a different explanation.

Are humans inherently good or bad?

I have been contemplating this in the past week. Unfortunately, I have experienced humans in their ugliest, nastiest, selfish selves and it’s been a befuddling experience.

The other day my friend asked me on a scale of 1–10, how street smart was I. I told him a 5. Now, I’ll probably say a 6 or a 7. Because of my faith, I have a natural proclivity to see the best in people. To give them the benefit of doubt. To trust that their primary intent is not evil and that those who unavoidably become evil do so because of their personal experiences or life encounters. But I have begun to reconsider this rationale. People are evil in ways that my mind cannot conceive and it’s the sort of evil that is perplexing because why would a person’s inclination be to choose evil?? I cannot comprehend it but it’s the reality of humanity.

So are humans inherently good or bad? Yes and no. Some people are innately good, it’s their factory settings. Same way some are also evil, it’s unfortunately how their mind functions. Accepting this has cleared my idealism to an extent. I’m not sure I’ll ever not have a modicum of hope in humanity but I no longer see humans through rose colored glasses.

I started reading the Bible last year and I am slowly realizing that truly the secret to this life is in the Bible. The words in the Holy book has been teaching me that good people can easily turn bad. People also easily make mistakes. Evil people exist for no reason and as the scripture states, I’ve accepted that the heart of man is truly evil and my recent inclination has been to test every spirit. What that means for me is actions have begun to speak louder than words and even louder than my initial perception of a person. I’m allowing people show me who they are. I’ve taken my people watching beyond just watching strangers in public and trying to figure them out. I’m now observing the people around me. Are people who they say they are? Do they keep their word? Does he love me? Mere words have never just been enough for me in certain instances but they still used to hold water because I believed that because I valued integrity, then surely others did to. My word is my bond. I assumed everyone had some measure of self dignity that afforded them the capacity to comport themselves in a dignified manner. But it’s false conditioning to think this way. I have been setting myself up for failure in relationships. So now I am watching people actively. And life has been easier since.

For example, how do you subconsciously show me you love me. Love is consideration. It’s being present for a person when they need you even when it inconveniences you sometimes. Kindness can be akin to charity. Being charitable to people who may never be able to afford to repay your kindness yet this fact is of no consequence to you because being a kind person is who you are, not just who you say you are. The things that people are, manifests in their actions- this, I’ve learnt. Interest can be discerned. You wouldn’t have to make explanations for a man who claims he’s into you but rarely calls you throughout a day. I saw this babe tweet about how she’s incredibly busy but when she finds a man she really likes and they start talking, she pins his chat on her WhatsApp so she doesn’t miss his messages. I’ve heard others say they set alarms throughout their days to check in on their partners on incredibly busy days. People don’t just tell you how they feel about you, they show you and truly if they wanted to they will. So my idealistic tendencies with humanity has been wearing off. What’s funny is I actually am the most logical but morality is where I’m always unable to conceive the brokenness of human nature. But I have accepted it now.

Humans are not inherently good or bad. They are broken, flawed and you’ll have to test every spirit for yourself to see. You’ll have to vet people to ascertain whether to let them in or keep at arms length. And you really should.

Blue skies, vast endless rolling grass of field, lollipops, eyes crinkled thanks to wide smiles, deep belly laughter. Joy, flowing like an endless river. Family, love, friendships, food. These are all the feels that this music gives expression to.

This is what this song makes me feel. Ice cream in one hand, a trail of melting liquid making its way from my wrist to my elbow. I’m sat under the san languidly as I swing my legs and sway my shoulder to the melody of this song. I need to reapply my sunscreen and I know my bikini will leave tan lines on my already dark skin but happiness is the feeling, your life no stress. This is far from my current reality. Well not too far. But my life definitely don’t have no stress, yet here I am believing Asake & Gunna sing about a better reality.

I’ve been thinking about love more recently. There’s currently no object of my affection yet here I am, thinking of the man that’s going to love me jeje. This is the thing I love the most about consuming and creating art. How that you can create something from within you that millions of people across the world will be able to relate to and conceive and embody. Isn’t it incredible? Even with this piece, someone will read it and feel seen. It’s why I’ll never stop pouring out the content of my soul into words.

I had an interesting experience at work this week that affected me in ways that I didn’t anticipate. As an introvert, my inside voice is louder than my outside voice and so introspection is second nature for me. After accepting the situation and my role in the whole thing, I started to journal. Journaling is how I self heal. If I haven’t written about it then I haven’t healed yet. That’s the power words hold for me. Written words. I wonder if it’s same for you. Is it?

It’s the 2000s all over again and I can hear Sunny Nneji in my head as I listen to this track. I’ve never been able to stay seated once this song comes on. Jaiye- dance. I’m rocking my hips from side to side as my knees give way to the rhythm and I’m slowly rocking it as I go low. My knees are now bent forward and I’m balanced on the tips of my toes as I’m still swinging my hips to the tune. My friend is in front of me as we are doing some form of unpracticed dance session in the middle of this bar.

Don’t leave me oroma

baby let me take you to ibiza, let me out a ring around your finger 🎵

This part has us grinning from ear to ear as we are just swept away in the melodious thump of the African drum we can hear from the bass speakers.

Music gives me all the feels. It transports me to several realities unlived. I have existed in many versions of reality because I listened to a body of work that transported me to a time where I existed in the virtual reality created by the artist. This is why I am very careful of what I listen to. Because I understand how much art can influence and sway me. So I’m deliberate about what I consume.

I want to end this piece talking about my faith and my journey with christianity. I read an article on substack yesterday. The author said religious faith has faded away and now there’s a slew of modern religion such as new age therapy, that’s popular with gen zs. I’m 29 so definitely not a gen z but as a religious person, I pondered on her article throughout my day. Has religious faith really faded for most people. I found it incredulous. If you searched for my name on Twitter (calling that app X still doesn’t sound right), my pinned tweet reads: ‘my faith is the anchor of my existence’; and these words are not cheap, they hold weight for me. Everytime I attempt to be tethered by anything other than my faith, I spiral into existential crisis.

Faith gives me a purpose for existence. As I said earlier, I’ve been reading scriptures- I finished the new Convenant last year and I’m currently at 1st Samuel; it has been a spiritually liberating experience. The holy book is what has taught me to accept that humans are not inherently good or bad. It’s made me see life in a different light. I have accepted the concept of times and seasons. I have accepted that foolishness, greed, & wickedness are emotions more second to human nature than wisdom, generosity, goodness. I understand that life is hard because it just is but walking with God gives you peace in the middle of the storm. Peace. That’s the word that’s been recurring in my head. How that I have found peace in christ. So to see someone say religious faith was fading made me very curious about people who do not believe and what anchors them. I am deeply curious. Because realistically and historically, the concept of morality and dignity for civilization stems from scriptures. Notice I didn’t say it stemmed from religion, because I know what nations have done ‘in the name of God’. I’d like to see more people read the Bible though.

I watched a Youtuber- prettisusu- say she started fully learning how to be a wife when she read about marriage in the Bible. In the comment section of that video, a subscriber said she had never seen her husband hustle the way he’s been in recent times since he read 1 Timothy 5:8. I think people dunk on the Bible because of the books of the old Convenant or because they don’t understand why a book that’s centuries old should still be instructive in this day and time and truly, I can go off as to why it still should be and is valid but that’s not the purpose of this piece.

So if you read this and you are not religious and don’t mind sharing, I’d like to hear what keeps you tethered and from spiraling into frequent existential crisis as we exist in this wicked world.

Love & light.