Day 15: Random musings
Oftentimes, I ponder upon the complexities of this world.
Like how economic chasm co-exist, side by side, like a husband and wife sleeping on the same bed but positioned far apart by the edge.
I ponder about how some people may never experience ease, ease of any kind. It’s sad that some people might be optimistic all their life but like Moses, never be able to see the promised land.
Like how luck decides to favor some people more than others. How that by virtue of luck you are born into a family that could either transform or condemn you to a certain lifestyle for the rest of your life, unless of course you become conscious and start to spin your own luck.
And then I find that there’s the luck you are born with and the luck you make for yourself . How with a mixture of faith, tenacity, opportunity and God can infact make such luck.
I ponder on how trust is fickle, sometimes. How someone you trust deeply can turn around and betray your trust so much that you are scarred for life. The type of betrayal that makes everyone a suspect in your books for life.
And then I ponder on forgiveness. How someone could offend you so deeply, yet you find a way to forgive. It’s incredible really. How you teach your mind to let go of offence and restore a person back to the position they once held in your life. But is there ever full reconciliation? Are we not doing things half and half with forgiveness? Are we not all just relating with one another for peace to reign? I don’t think that the human heart can fully forget. The love of christ in your heart combined with therapy can help one forgive and heal, but to forget, that might never happen.
I ponder on life and how some people’s life journey is never linear. Always dynamic. Never in a straight line. Always a convoluted half circle. Almost like a game where you have to do certain performative things to unlock a certain level. While others’ is like a movie with a great script. Everything is spelt out, laid bare, all they have to do is follow the script
I ponder upon the complexities of this world.
How an offence can be meted against you and the perpetrator could forget after a while, repent even and carry on a decent life, while you live with the repercussions of the act. As if it were your choice. As if you asked to be saddled with the burden of unforgiveness and then forgiveness but never forgetting.
I think about love and heartbreak. How a person who once loved you deeply can suddenly become a stranger to you. And how if you talk to a stranger frequently enough, they’ll turn into a love interest. I think about one sided love too. How that one person might love more than the other and how the other person might take advantage of them for this.
I think about navigating relationship with your parents as an adult. How you become an adult and at first, your parents refuse to acknowledge that you are one now. Then they become selective about the parts of you that they accept. It can be very jaring to realize that your parents are unable to accept all of you, wholly and fully. It can affect your self worth. You start to think, ‘if the people who birthed me are unaccepting of all of me, who then should?’. This is where you start to accept second class love.
You start to ‘at least’ red flags away as explanations. ‘At least he sees me and accepts me for who I am’, ‘At least he’s staying, in spite of…’, ‘At least, At least, Atleast’. We start to manage ourselves and rationalize sub standard treatment. Because we think if our parents couldn’t see all of us, couldn’t accept all of us, then why put that burden on someone else. But here’s the thing- your parents are human. Deeply flawed humans that just happened to have birthed you. One of the gifts of adulthood is coming to this realization, it’s eye opening. You start to understand that the way they might have parented you or interacted with you was because of their own unresolved trauma. Perhaps you remind them of their personal short comings as individuals. or maybe you are a mirror of themselves, a version of themselves that they would rather not see.
Again, I think about self worth and how it’s a often a function of how a person was raised. In fact, a lot of things stem from the family unit.A dysfunctional society? Go back to how the family units in said society work. A broken man? Ask how he was raised and his child hood traumas. More often enough, you’ll find that a person’s flaw, brokenness can be traced back to how they were socialized by their parents.
I ponder about a lot of things. I enjoy reflecting on abstract topics and trying to understand human behavior. In another world, I would have been a psychologist. This too, is something I reflect on a lot- my career path. I could be so many things and choosing one thing is hard. So I wonder how life would have been, had I chosen a to be all the things I’d like to be.. it’s my own career multiverse. I think of a version of me as a designer, or as a doctor. I think of myself as a full time writer or as a physiotherapist. I would have been great at therapy because I’m a great listener. I’m such a doer that I know the only thing holding me back from exploring all of these is time and my deliberate decision to stick to one thing.
Although, I don’t wonder whether other people think about these things too, I'm curious do you wonder about random things too? I have found that we are all living the same life, hence the answer to this might be yes. If no, what do then do you do to fill up time at random moments of your days?
Love & light.
