Friendship Breakfast
Shalewa, do you remember when I said we were best friends?
No?
Okay, I didn’t particularly say it nau
I implied it
Remember when I referenced Christina and Meredith’s relationship in ‘Grey’s Anatomy’
I told you that you were the Christina to my Meredith
Remember you didn’t get it at first, then I told you to go ask someone who had seen the medical series to explain what I meant
And you came back, full of love and emotional
Shalewa that is the peak of my closeness to any woman in my adult life
Our friendship, I considered it to be endless
And I know, nothing is endless, everything ends in this wretched world after-all
But I hoped our friendship wouldn’t
My friend, prior to you, I had never had a best friend
I was never the girl in high school with a close friend
Yes I had a clique but I was very comfortable in my own world and I didn’t need anybody to share it with
Then adulthood came and I realized I do need people, albeit in small doses but I need them still
Then I started to open myself up to friendships and betrayals and heartbreak
Then you came and you stayed, in the background, but you stayed
Always present
And when I felt I was ready to be vulnerable with just one person out of the sea of women
I took stock of my life and I saw you always present, right in the middle so I promoted you
Crowned you with the best friend title
What a mistake that was
Shalewa, you have shown me why I do not open myself up to people afterall
I would have picked a romantic heartbreak over this, atleast I would be rid of the man with no reservations
But with you my friend, with you it hurts more
Because now I am trying to figure out how to dissociate from you
Something happens to me, for me, and my first instinct is to tell you about it but now I can no longer do that
Because you have betrayed my trust, you have shown me that there is no sanctity in our friendship
I have heard 3rd parties, whisper words that I have confided to you in unspoken code of secrecy
You have shown me time and time again that my vulnerability is not holy in your hands
You have shown me that you handle my trust callously, without respect nor love
And so I have taken it back
I have dropped you from the pedestal upon which I placed you
Dethroned you silently
Quietly relegated you back to acquaintance level
Because even when I tried to use words to fix us, you refused to take responsibility, as always
You refused to accept that you had hurt me, you rarely ever do
You, Shalewa, believe you can hurt no one. You believe you are always in the right, never in the wrong
I had always seen this, you know
I had seen how you address conflict in your other friendships yet I always sided with you
I had always seen how you callously handled the vulnerability and trust of other people in your life, yet I was always deliberately obtuse
Well now it is my turn, I guess
You have moved on and replaced me even before I knew what was happening
My friend, it is clear that out of sight is truly out of mind for you
Even now that I am saying this to you, you are still enraged
You still believe that you are right, that I am making aspersions about your character
It is clear that your loyalty lies only with yourself
It is clear that there is only room for Shalewa in your life, you and no one else
Everyone else is here to pander to you
I wish I could tell Ivie, your new friend, that she too will soon have this conversation I am having with you right now
We are very similar, Ivie and I
I know she will be broken, when you do what you have done to me, to her
I wish I could warn her
But I will not because it is not my business.
Who knows she might be the yin to your yang afterall
The Christina to your Meredith
Who knows.
Maybe you are also searching for your own Meredith and did not find it in me
You may have found me lacking
Maybe your withdrawal from me was because you thought I handled your trust poorly
Maybe you are just looking out for yourself
I would never know neither would I understand it
I carried you and anything that concerns your matter on my head like government work
I placed you higher than you evidently placed me but it’s clear you didn’t rate me
I would have loved for our relationship to have been endless
But now I see this end was inevitable
I see so many reasons why it would have never worked long term
I see now that we were never in sync, we were always a jig saw puzzle constantly trying to find a point on the board where we became cross words
Shalewa you were my best friend
But you have broken not just my heart but our friendship and you have moved on without looking back, eyes focused on one subject as always, you.
I would have preferred if this breakfast was dished by a man
Alas! It is you that has spread out this full course meal before me and I have to dug in, finished it and walked away from the table,alone, with my belly full and my heart empty.
