Interrogate Your Own Internal Borders.
I’ve wanted to write a half year review ever since my favorite duo did a mid year review exercise on their podcast at the beginning of July. But something happened recently that made me pick up my pen to write this piece to you guys.
If you are a woman, you are likely familiar with the slight discomfort that bubbles within when a random male stranger asks for your contact, particularly when there’s no interest on your part. First you think of your safety. You survey your environment to see whether the coast is filled with people other than you both, just in case. Then you think about the insistence that will likely be a product of your rejection. If you decide to not share your number, he might continue to insist, not leave and be annoying. After mentally playing scenes out, I’ve always figured sharing my contacts and blocking afterward was the best route. Yesterday, someone I previously blocked, called me with another number to ask why I blocked them. Which startled me at first, but then made me start to ponder about my border system.
It’s clearly inefficient. Why give something when I can just say no. Sharing and then blocking does not teach the man about consent and neither does it convey how I truly feel. Infact, it can be argued that I am enabling this follow up interest. But this self evaluation spiraled into other parts of my life that has had lax borders.
When a country enacts immigration laws, they hope that its execution will be efficient. They believe that these policies will curb excessive migration into their country, protect the citizens within and ensure the continued strength of the nation. Then they observe. If the laws prove to be inefficient, congress meets again to deliberate on what worked versus what didn’t and subsequently come up with more effective protective, proactive measures to strengthen the wall that borders the country.
As humans, we do this too. We erect walls to barricade certain things or people from getting access to us and just like countries do, we should hold internal meetings with ourselves to investigate these borders frequently. What is working and what is not working? Mistakes happen. Sometimes you find that something you thought would work isn’t working. Or perhaps in the beginning it was working but it stopped. There’s no need to beat yourself up over a misstep. The human existence is saddled with so much twists and turns that produces uncertainties in life so why do you think you have to have everything figured out from start to finish?
Like border patrol agents, you do have to be vigilant though. Scout within yourself to search for cracks in the walls that is your boundaries. Did you meet a boy and now you’ve done things you swore you would never do? That sucks but you can moonwalk your way back to correction. Retrace your steps. Undo the damage that only you can undo. I find that, because we are so ashamed of self betrayal, so ashamed of engaging in something that we never thought we would do, we sit in the mess. Self pity rears its ugly head and we just think “I’m too far gone, I might as well stay or finish”. I call bullshit.
Just as how I realized how inefficient is was to share my personal contacts and block later, I’ve uncovered certain cracks in other parts of my life and in so doing, am on the path to intentionally fixing up.
July was supposed to be My month. I recognized I had a lot of work to do and I had this plan to fix me. To pour back into myself because my cup was half full, perspective aside. Yet I couldn’t. Adulthood had other pressing responsibilities and I didn’t have enough band-width to self-invest. But I’m prioritizing me again in August. I don’t know whether I will succeed or not. But I will continue to try.
As someone who likes to finish things, I rarely consider work half done to be good. If I have 10 things listed out and I do just 2, I would beat myself up. But now I’m seeing how doing those 2 is me trying, while simultaneously holding myself accountable. I am a work in progress and so even when I don’t finish when I thought I would finish, what’s important is that I continue to prioritize the things I said I’ll do and continue to make attempts to do them. It might take me a while and the fruits of my self investment might take me even longer to reap. But what’s paramount is that everyday I wake up, I see the sun and I make a commitment to myself to pour back into me in some way, for that day. The process isn’t perfect nor sexy. Sometimes I even get annoyed at myself along the way but because I know how much more I can be, I’ll keep trying.
It is your life and you owe yourself the responsibility of making decisions, and undoing decisions, responsibly. Nobody is too far gone in my opinion. My people have this proverb that says “any time you wake up, that’s your morning”. It’s not a call to laziness or procrastination, and neither is it a proverb to be taken literally; it’s a metaphorical adage- a call to be kind to self.
So perhaps today, when you read this piece, might be your morning. It is my hope that you stand up from that thing that has crept through your borders and held you shackled to an unfortunate situation. Consider this a siren call to stand up and fix your walls. Fix your boundaries. Interrogate your own internal borders. Only you know where there’s been a crack. No one else can do it for you, only you.
Love & Light.
