My 2024 Retrospect

Ebbs & flows.

Let me paint a picture in your mind’s eye- visualize the ocean; a vast beautiful body of blue water moving in synchrony, in big bouts of waves, occasionally teasing the shoreline at its edges. One minute it reaches out to touch the sand, but barely touching, it recedes. Again it comes and this time it leaves a kiss, a light peck, then it retreats into the vast botherless body. Finally it comes, all at once, as a big ferocious wave that shocks the earth into submission so much so that she gives way and the waters claim possession of the land. After sometime, it begins to retreat again and then the teasing recommences. Ebbs and flows. This is how I think of life.

Joy & sadness, love & hurt, pleasure & pain, happiness & anger, success & failure, accomplishments & trials, celebrations & grief- all of these human emotions hold space inside of our bodies and life finds some way to force us into experiencing either at several points of our human experience. And it does not even have to be morbid or tragic. It could be in the form of grieving a friendship you thought you would nurture till you were old and grey, or grieving a certain life you envisioned yourself living but is now no longer compatible.

I’m Nigerian and this year I simultaneously held opposite emotions in my body. I grieved the circumstances of this nation that have made it so that young, ambitious people must leave the borders of our country if we want decent opportunities open to our peers in the west. I have also celebrated the joys of new quality friendships and the deepening of bonds of existing ones. I have had lows and highs and I have held space for these emotions. I have felt them fully. I no longer dismiss ‘negative’ emotions. I do not internalize them or make them my identity because that would be unhealthy but I no longer think I am unlucky for experiencing hurt or pain. Because in this same lifetime, I have experienced many many joys, belly aching, tear jerking laughter that came from deepths of my soul. I have experienced love and true friendships, and pleasure and incredible successes. I have been inexplicably happy. And the highs have been more than the pain. But there’s this unhealthy thing I have found we humans engage in- we fixate on the negatives to the point that they become so much bigger than they really are. We feel unlucky and unloved and begin to self critique unkindly forgetting that this one moment of downtime does not compare to the multiple highs we have been experiencing.

2024 has taught me that seasons come and go and we must make the most of every season. A Nation might have 20 years of healthy economy and 1 recession can hit and bring that country to its knees. Covid was a clear example- some Nations suffered more than others.

So moving forward, when you have plenty, do not eat it all, save for a personal recession. When you are grieving, look forward to joy because joy always comes in the morning. When you are hurting, know that the pain will pass. And this is not a call to sit at the edge of your seat anxiously anticipating negative things to happen. Far from it! Rather this is a charge that should give you hope and confidence that the dark doesn’t last forever.

Optimism is my biggest asset and I implore you to adopt it if you haven’t. In 2025, I look forward to enjoying and being very present in every season of my life. Basking in the joy and love without expecting pain and strife, but knowing that if it comes, I am equipped to not be destroyed under its weight.

Relationships & friendships.

Your life is your own. This is something I deeply believe and have alway stood ten toes on, yet I spent this year acting contrary. I allowed relationships that added zero value, but rather deducted from me, to continue to thrive and I actively watered them. Why? Because I am sentimental about things ending. I abhor the familiarity of a thing coming to an end and not feeling a connection anymore. I’m nostalgic and it is costly.

This year I ended interactions that were clearly in misalignment with my values and should have naturally ended years ago. I entertained people whom I knew from day zero had no value to add to me. And I know that human value is inherent but when a person is clearly there to only take and suck you dry, then there is no value for you and they should not have access.

So I am learning to first be friends with people I like. 2025 is a year for first principles. And this might sound as a no-brainer but as an introvert, in the past, particularly with friendships, I allowed people to choose me rather than choosing. And in doing so, I missed the opportunity to vet whether this friendship was a fit for me, my personality, my lifestyle and everything else that pertained to me. I went with the flow and believed them when they pointed accusing ‘you are overthinking things’ fingers at me. But towards Q4, I started to be reminded again that this life is mine and I must make decisions that are ideal for me. My friendships should be symbiotic not parasitic. I should befriend people who want me in their lives fundamentally because they like the person that I am. It’s almost as if I am learning social skills that I never had the opportunity to learn in university.

The other day on the phone with Zainab, who is one of my favorite people in the world, we were talking about being able to hold small talk and how that is a game changer in human interactions. My Zee has strong people skills and she’s really good at choosing friends, connecting with them and keeping them engaged. So I am taking a leaf out of her book- not to become an extrovert but to tweak the sides of me that I want to improve and become better at. For my 2025 year review, I’d like to say I became better at choosing people for myself. At choosing friendships, at engaging them and nutring them, just like my friend is.

I know that it will not be easy- rejection is always a possibility afterall and it sucks. But I’d like to have the capacity to be authentic in such a way that I am unable to hold space for people and relationships that are not for me. I want to be able to watch things, people, a love that is not for me, dissipate and even while I grief, to allow it to sift away rather than clutch tightly to something that will invariably become wind and blow away. Holding on only delays the end, it doesn’t prevent it. 2024 has taught me this.

Protect your mystery.

People will seek to demystify you just to sate curiosity so protect your magic.

Humans are wired weirdly and you will be playing a losing game by thinking that everyone thinks, acts and has same motives as you do. That will be a grave error. I am not saying constantly act on the offensive but be discerning. There are people who are curious about your magic. Especially when you are a confident, ambivalent person who does not fit into societal norms; you stand at the fringes of society- one foot in and one foot out-constantly flirting with the edges of becoming one of the fold and being an external observer. Naturally, people will wonder about such a person. About why you don’t care about what most people in your circle seem to care about. And how you clearly don’t fit in yet aren’t visibly uncomfortable (real ones know the internal turmoil such a stance poses to the owner of the struggle). People will wonder about your mysterious girl aura and the brave ones will attempt to unwrap the layers just to prove that there’s nothing there. They will appear unassuming but like a thief, will leave the house that is you turned upside down, revealing the nitty gritty that makes you whole. That’s dangerous.

I am learning to be more discerning- it’s my prayer going into the new year. Not everyone who smiles at you or makes contact with you wants a genuine connection. Trust your gut; she intuitively knows what’s best for you. I didn’t trust mine as often as I should this year and I paid the steep price. Protect your mystery.

Not making a decision is a decision.

I am an indecisive person. It is the biggest pain in my metaphorical behind- that I am unable to make a decision and trust that I made the right one. Because even when I make a decision and it’s the wrong one, I begin to explore all the other routes I could have taken that would likely have given me a better outcome. I beat myself up. What then happens is that I am stuck in this limbo where I don’t make a decision and I allow things to ‘just happen’. I hate ‘let’s see where it goes’ but in many ways, this year, I have just sat down and adopted the let’s see where it goes mantra for many things. I wish I did not.

I’m a feeler and this means I feel many things. Sometimes my emotions are so fleetingly contrasting that I feel like a liar to my own self. This means that in situations that would typically call for me to step up and make a decision, I am incapacitated because the feeler in me needs to be sated. She is a greedy, ravenous person and she feeds on nostalgia and sentiments.

But feelings aren’t always real and they should not hold the responsibility of your decision making. I am learning to compartmentalize; to divide my person into categories. My mind is the chief of operations and she’s a bad bitch, she runs the show. She is strong, smart, analytical and a go getter; she’s an icon and I must trust her at all times. There’s my brain that also needs to be watered and she is well fed. But there’s this neglected emotional side who in recent times has become the defiant one usurping my mind from her throne and she’s not a great decision maker. She’s great at feeling and keeping me tethered to my feminine, altruisic side. She’s good at balancing my mind out when we make a decision but she should not be in control.

There’s also the fear of making a wrong decision and bearing the consequences. I hate making mistakes and I hate bearing the burden of ‘I could have done this better’.

To fix this, I have been watching YouTube videos, reading articles and books that can help me become a better decision maker. I still must trust my gut and so I need to still lean into being a feeler but I must learn and equip myself with skills and tools that help me analyze a problem, come to the right conclusion and armed with that, lean into my intuition for the solution. This is my goal for 2025.

You hold the weight of your morality.

I used to expect basic decency from everyone. I’d think surely, you know that you shouldn’t be doing this or that this isn’t in anyway ideal, but I have come to realize that not everyone is wired to have a moral compass. And I’m not even speaking from a religious standpoint. Just knowing that fundamentally, something is right and this other thing is bad- people don’t have that. People will make a commitment and break it and urge you to also break it with them. And when you point out their commitment, they brush it aside like it holds no weight while attempting to make you feel ‘too serious’ for having integrity. People will give their word and break it without batting an eye. Folks lack a sense of responsibility.

This year I have really begun to see how fractured our society has become. People are amoral and increasingly apathetic about doing the right thing. If there is no immediate consequence for breaking their word, then there is no remorse and it is as flimsy as tearing a piece of paper. I find it all very interesting.

But what’s been most assuring has been realizing that my morality is my burden to carry. The way I can be aghast and bewildered at other people’s actions, is the same way they also are aghast and surprised at my stance and have zero qualms in attempting to tilt me over to the other side. It should no longer surprise me (even thoug I still am- I’m tilt towards idealism). So because I have my beliefs and principles and morals as an individual in society, it is my weight to carry, and I don’t mean this in a martyr sense. Just that it is mine to uphold. I cannot allow myself be influenced by behaviors contrary to mine and then whine and be upset that rather than respect my stance, a person outside of me managed to make me act contrary to what I believe in.

That’s my L to carry into the new year.

2025.

I have a 13 pillar life grid for the new year, which is a lot, but it was very important to me to document every single thing that I want for myself in 2025. Like I told my friend today, I am metaphorically bouncing on the balls of my feet waiting for it to be day 1 again. This time last year, I was melancholic about the new year. Right now though, I’m ready for the marathon that 2025 will be; I’ve been ready since the start of December.

But here’s a couple of things I am expectant about this new year:

• I want to be a strict babe again. This is very different from being mean. I’d like to be strict with- my goals, myself, access to me, my boundaries and my self respect.
• I want to write more. I journaled consistently this year but my writing suffered.
• I want to read more. Reading took a bigger hit than writing and I find that incredibly sad because reading is my first love. It was in reading novels that I knew I could write- I hope to fall back in love, deeper this time, with the act.
• I want to be comfortable with stillness. I have a tendency to be impatient which means waiting is hard for me. But I’d like to be comfortable being bored, with sitting still and just ‘being’.
• Be BOLD- This is our 2025 mantra. We will have audacity in all areas of our lives. My friend said this to me a couple of days to Christmas and it is truly my mantra for the new year. I am adopting bravery and audacity. 2025 is for doing such bold things that people will look at me in equal- parts wonder and shock- and say: ‘who does she think she is?!’
• Believe in myself more. I faltered this year and it started the year before. 2025 is for recovering and finding my centre again. I found my way back home in Q4 ’24 and tomorrow is for getting comfortable and cozy with the home that is me.

I wish you an incedible year ahead. See you on the other side!

Love & light.